BlogSpirit | Node Six » Els

Els - In a Word

August 25, 2010
9:43
This is NOT a letter eejit!
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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*I've been incepted. I can't stop thinking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

*I need to be less selfish and put people's feelings before my bizarre need for affection and attention.

*Forgiveness is much harder than it sounds.

*I'm a social cripple without my family because I can't be bothered to explain myself in more than half sentences most times. This (more often than not) results in endless frustration when other people don't understand my out of context mumbles.

*Writer's block is not cool. Especially when one is attempting to work in communication.

*I can't stand indifference. Even from myself. Read Full Post
August 16, 2010
21:51
My darling bestie
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I have the worst friend etiquette in the world. Non-etiquette if you will. I don't call you, text you or see you nearly enough. But what is enough anyhow? Who knows, eh? I'm such a socially inept person it's still a shock to me that I could have actually made (and kept!) a friend this long considering how forgetful, insensitive, incredibly selfish and sulky I can be. Plus there's that time not keeping thingy. :p But you love me. And I love you.

I meant for this to be a long long letter on the importance of friendship, the blessings of loving and laughing and fighting and all that ish, but I went blog trawling on the internet and can now barely stay awake. See how bad I can be? I'm going to be better at this! Pinky promise.

Thank you for the chattering, the endless supply of junk food, the bar hopping, the road trips, the I-trust-you-enough-to-cry-infront-of-you sessions, the bad examples, the better examples, the bus journeys, the JUMPING (!!!), the bad romances Read Full Post
August 15, 2010
9:44
Misery
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I've misplaced my writing skills. That can only mean one thing. Writing project. I'll be writing letters for the next month or so. non yay. Either that or this dies. * this idea is respectfully borrowed from her.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your s Read Full Post
June 29, 2010
21:43
Note to death and all his friends
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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You haven't won. I'm so alive my head hurts, and he will never die. You can take him but you can't have him. He's with me, I'm with him. Forever ever.

P: I can't write (or do most other things) without thinking of you. I don't want to try not to. Two years really seems like an understatement. Just two words that I have to wrap around the pain I still can't describe. Two years doesn't do justice to all the dratted emotions and realities and what ifs. Going from insane to beyond and back to the edge again. I've been numb and still felt every whisper of despair. I've been cynical when I shouldn't and yet so full of hope it makes me smile when I am not crying.

I like to think you'd be proud. I know you'd be pushing me to do more though. You are pushing me to do more. You never quite let up, do you? I can still see you tilt your head and chuckle away at me. Forgive the cliche but I want to do more, experience more because of losing you. It makes me sad that Read Full Post
March 17, 2010
12:15
My heart
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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is the most unruly thing! I declared the end of feelings and all that ish for any more boys (because they are stupid and we should throw stones at them) with my poor battered heart backing me all way. Next thing I know stupid thing is conniving with another of those to bring me down!!!! It freaking never learns. :)

Speaking of hearts, mine goes out to Oliver Mtukudzi. I cannot begin to imagine his pain. I was lucky enough to watch Sam perform. He was exceptional. God grant him peace.

Blogger has refused to upload the vid. :( Read Full Post
March 04, 2010
16:42
In a word?
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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Metamorphosis. The me I am right now is a stranger. Reading old posts I barely recognise who I am now. I do the strangest things to myself and to other people. I make the weirdest choices, have the oddest thoughts. I have no idea who this person is and yet...I think i like her. Well, not as much as I did the other but she's not so bad. She stands up for herself (most times) and speaks her mind. She is firmer in her decisions (although she takes the longest time to make a decision) but best of all she is so much less tight assed. She doesn't care. Not too much anyway. She is so different, it's scary at times. People tend to like her less though. Not that I mind (too much). Maybe because she is less acceptable of nonsense and the like. She's different. It's refreshing. Maybe what I like the most is that she isn't clearly defined. She is this and yet that as well. I know its a phase and I'm glad for it. Change is good, no?

For Iwaya
It was really great meeting Read Full Post

March 01, 2010

15:32
Fast Forward
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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All those people were right in the end. Graduation day really is special. Boring as hell, but special all the same. It was a long time coming but all worth it in the end.

Dr IS proud of me. Well, mostly he is. I know it hurts him that I haven't been to church in over a year but its easier to pretend I don't care than to try to explain all the issues.

I'm in the communication business. I have not written anything remotely personal in over a year. I'm so different from who I set out to be, it's alarming. I hope it's not too late to try though.

For P.
I know, I know...stop whining. I'm working on it. I promise. Read Full Post

October 20, 2008

21:30
Slow mo
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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My father wants to talk to me about my 'plans'. I've been avoiding him for a while. He made it easy by practically moving to another country, but now he's back and he wants to talk. How do I tell him that I have no plans? No concrete ones really anyway. Especially now that I know for sure that because of very very stupid things I did I won't be graduating with my class, and that I have no interest in pursuing a career in the field in which I've been training for for the last three years, at his expense. The worst tpart is that he looks like he's going to do the whole 'I understand, where do we go from here' thing. He's going to forgive me and pat me on the back and make me cry. I want him to scream and yell and throw me out of his house instead. Ok, not really, what i'd really like is for a fast forward to when this is all over and I've finally done something that he can be proud of. Something that will make him smile instead of sigh and offer me up to God as one of the issues.Read Full Post

September 25, 2008

16:39
Dear Bloggers
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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A friend of mine is interested in interviewing bloggers for a research paper she is writing. Would you mind if she crashed UBHH with a notebook and an eye? Or if she emailed you and bothered you with questions and watnot? How about if she stalked you(ok, not really but, you know...)
Smiles Read Full Post

September 13, 2008

22:18
You are my obsession,
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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the point of a circle that leads me to you whenever I turn away, that leads me astray when I'm here to stay. I mean so much more than the idea you have of me. I'm different, just the same. Is death the end or just another door shutting in my face? I'm flying at the bottom. The heights I've reached are still way below low level.
your heavy heart is made of stone. Chris Martin Read Full Post

July 19, 2008

14:58
Hate is my only continuance. It numbs ...
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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Hate is my only continuance. It numbs me from the pain I never want to meet.
My hope is at the bottom of a lake, the living fight over the dead, red cars keep me awake. The end of the world has come and gone, taking you with it, leaving us surrounded by a war we never asked to fight. Life goes on. I don't want to go without you. What is the point of life if it ends at the bottom of a lake surrounded by people you love and i hate? Read Full Post

June 04, 2008

15:57
hugging the wall
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I must confess that coming back is harder than leaving was. It doesn't help that Internet went away from our home last week and hasn't yet come back. And I hate cafes, because they steal my money. I prefer MTN, because they just steal my daddy's money.

My dad was giving me meaningful looks in the morning. I bumped into him at the place of ironing things(wussname?) and we got into a convo about 'what comes next'. Well he got into it. I was just dodging all the questions. So I told him I still have to finish my research and stuff, blah.... I was just mumbling away but he was actually listening because he kept asking me questions about what I'm researching, where, watnot... We were doing good, him with the questions, me with the mumbles and then he asked for my supervisors name. I tried to mumble that away but he got it out of me. Good thing is he doesn't know her because he was asking if she's helpful...wonder what he'd say if he found out that I'm the one that's stalling the Read Full Post

May 29, 2008

11:10
words are another kind of violence
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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Is it presumptious of me to believe that we can pick up where we left off? Read Full Post

November 17, 2007

12:07
let's see how far we've come
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I'll be 22 in exactly a month. I made a list of things to do before my 21st birthday,which carried on into this year because 21 came faster than I worked at them. Those things on the list are still pending. I'm learning to let them be. I made a wackier list for this year and now with a month to go I'm not sure where I stand. Because I cannot show you my list, I'm making you a special one. A list of how far I have come.

December 17th 1985: Nairobi peace deal was being signed. Keeping with the theme, my parents chose 'peace' as a name. Thankfully not in English, because it sounds better in the language of the Kings. Jaz says I was the yellowest baby she ever saw. My name is still the same although I fight way too much and I'm much much darker now.

December 17th 1988: My last born role had been usurped in June of that year. I was still smarting, although I was talking to my Ma again. The chocolate cake was kind of small, but it more than made up for me having to Read Full Post

November 15, 2007

12:05
trepidation
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I don't remember where I put him. I should have marked it with a stone, something to remind me where not to tread. Silly of me to forget. I thought I would never forget. My hands were in the soil, tearing at it, marking it with rage. I thought I would remember always. I thought my tears had turned the ground red. Red with a keening, weeping sorrow. Red that would never fade. For days after my eyes were looking at that spot. I was looking at it, etching it on my memory even while I was turned away. I saw that spot and him in it in my sleep, in my wakefulness, in my in between. All I saw was that spot where I laid him. I remembered when all I wanted to do was forget. And now I can't remember where he is.

My flowers smell of him. Heady, sweet with a hint of rough. Like a wink. He is surrounding me, crushing me. I can't breathe when his scent is my air. I buried him. How can he be here,in tomatoes that taste of tongue and desire? In music that sounds like a memory, no matter h Read Full Post

November 11, 2007

13:43
I'm a 7
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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don't ask me, just do the damn thing.

To figure out your birth number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like the example below, until there is only one digit.

Example: March 20, 1950

3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973

1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20

2 + 0 = 2

Keep going unto you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the birth number to read for the birth date in the example. Find your number and then read on.

#1 The Originator

#2 The Peacemaker

#3 The Life Of The Party

#4 The Conservative

#5 The Nonconformist

#6 The Romantic

#7 The Intellectual

#8 The Big Shot

#9 The Performer
# 1 - The Originator ... 1's are originals.
Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplo Read Full Post

November 06, 2007

19:39
No More Keeping My Feet on The Ground
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I met with my supervisor today and she made me feel that I can actually do this whole research thingy. I'm optimistic. I'm going to get right on it. watch me my watchers... I also spent longer than five minutes in that reading place at the faculty. I'm always in and out, begging people to borrow text books for me. I have a deep fear of borrowing books. don't ask! I was in there because I have this whole pile of work to hand in this week...I'm a deadline person. there are some interesting books in there. I know this because everytime I go in there to do my reading I end up reading books that are interesting but have no relevance to what I should be doing. they make me like PR and advertising more though. Almost borrowed one today, then I slammed it down and hightailed it out of there like I was possessed. only started breathing after I was halfway home. don't ask!

I just finished Anchee Min's Empress Orchid. good read. word of advice, do not attempt to share the reading of th Read Full Post

October 27, 2007

12:14
of nothingness,devoid
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seeking.

Didn’t you see me, didn’t you hear me
Didn’t you see me standing there

My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me
All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
it suddenly seems
Empty

emptiness is crowding me. filling up all the spaces happy should be in. making me panic with no place to run but insane. I'm a badly held together example of growing up. my soul is loose, wandering about on the boulevard of broken dreams. i thought I was visiting but I can't find my way out. is there a way out? unhappiness is addictive. the devil that I know best. Read Full Post

11:57
I'm bossy
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I want to be Kelis when I grow up Read Full Post

October 13, 2007

15:28
I like Photography
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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i chose to drop it this semester because my uni won't let us do everything we want unless we pay more money and my daddy moved away. i do have a digital cam that I love to carry around, whip out and take shots of people or things. mostly me, but sometimes other people. why won't blogger let me post these pictures?

wordpress is tempting me.

I'm supposed to invent a new drink for class. alcoholic or otherwise. is it cheating if I ask what y'all think? Read Full Post

October 12, 2007

9:08
friends and family
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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are the most important things in life. it's even better when your family are your friends and your friends become your family.

I declare today 'friends and family' day! don't tell MTN.

I thought my heart was coming back to life, but I think it was just gas. It's still stony, jagged, ripping my insides to shreds. pizza, ice cream, pork and cheeseburgers help. Read Full Post

October 09, 2007

23:34
as if
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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why would a married guy even begin to think that I would have an affair with him? WHY? but that's not the best part. killer was when he mistook my incredulity at his suggestion for confusion or pain or whatever. then he offered to take care of it all, anti he is older and wiser, so I should leave all the details to him. mbu we just have to be together. WHAT THE FUCK?! Read Full Post

October 06, 2007

20:38
goody-two-shoes
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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so, here's the deal. my dad is outside countries, my ma is with her ma in nyakarongo, my biggest sis is in kagameland, my married sis is well, married, my other sis is at a party sleepover thingy, my baby sis is not home....no parents and no responsibilities. and what am I going to do? go home, pig out in front of the telly and then go to bed. I know, I'm an embarrassment to the 20's!

cafe, so I best be going. hey all Read Full Post

September 26, 2007

16:36
pretty white shoes
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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one glance at you
and the floor is above me
I can't find my shoe
it's getting awful barmy!

see, you make me write silly things that rhyme. you make me stand taller, smile brighter, even throw forks when I'm usually in control! Fantasia knows how you make me feel, 'cause when I see you...gosh! i was down the other day, then I saw you and it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. no explanation. you make my heart smile.

I miss walking past you, maybe catching a whiff of your cologne. I love those white shoes, you are so on! I miss sitting near you, ordering the same things, doing our own stuff, but doing them together in my head. and when you asked me if that chair was taken...boy you sure know how to make a girl swoon. my campus road misses you. not the same view out of my window without you.

I'm embarrasingly crushing on you. giddily able to shake that 'embarrass' off though. so, maybe I play it up a little, where e Read Full Post

16:36
plot kyi? or plot ki? where's the drinks?
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I kind of missed most of my classes last week, so I was quite determined to go to every class this week... how did that go? well, my achn tooth put paid to that. (Imust've gone to two classes atleast). and now it's the weekend! grad weekend rocks. so, now I'm waiting on my best friends and best family for plot. please Jaz. I promise that no boys will bother you. I promise thatI will set them on elle everytime. she can handle the lot of them for us.

I'm going through a bad health phase. mostly because i weigh like half of what I should at this age where I am teething again. I'm dizzy most of the time. dunno if it's from no sugar, no water, the pain, the pain meds or the combination of all that. I'm not doing too well. plus I'm reading a huge James Clavell that's bound to give me a tension headache...! banange blogger won't let me upload any pics! more pain in my head.

inspite of that I'm totally hanging where the party is at this weekend. famous last words Read Full Post

September 21, 2007

18:15
growing pains
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I meant to write a long post because of my irregular posts, but now I can barely think because my head is filled with a smog of pain. mbu I'm growing a wisdom tooth or something. Plus I'm compounding the problem by blasting brick and lace in one ear while i try to hear NE-YO and Fabo in the other. that takes concentration. aren't y'all loving that 'love is wicked' song? totally hot. I'm going to be brick or lace when I grow up. maybe both, 'cause I'm already headed towards MPD anyway.
I need to put a disclaimer on my forehead. people need to know that it's the pain being bithcy, not me. I cannot find a nice thing to say, not one nice thought in my head. and now Lloyd is on. there goes my hope of finding happiness here!
will write when I have more wisdom and less pain. Read Full Post

September 12, 2007

8:48
don't speak
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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don't say things we cant unsay
don't ask me to be her
who is your angel
when I know I'm still his
don't speak of love
don't speak at all
let's just bask in this
whatever this murk is
don't speak Read Full Post

August 28, 2007

18:57
roll it
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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When dem fly up in yuh face gyal
Mek dem know dem place
Number one in a de race gyal
Could never replace
Independent and yuh strong gyal
And yuh set de pace
Fit and healthy living long gyal

Free yuh self gyal you got class and you got pride

Go to school gyal and get yuh degree
Nurture and take care of yuh pickney
Gyal yuh work hard to make yuh money

in a mighty hurry...back to school!
girl power! Read Full Post

August 18, 2007

0:12
Dear Sir
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I loathe you. I know that hate is a strong word, which is why I'm reluctant to write it now, but I have thought it countless times. My chest is heaving as I write this. my throat is clogged with tears that I will not cry. I am filled with rage. You have turned me into a raging monster. And that is not the saddest thing. The saddest thing is that you have made me doubt myself. You have made me look into the mirror searching for the sign on my face, on my body that invited you to shatter my trust. Yes Sir, I trusted you. I trusted you. I came to you looking for guidance, for a chance to prove myself. I trusted you to lead me into adulthood. Not the sort that you insinuate Sir, the sort that would have me ready to take on any professional challenges that I know are heading my way. I came to you with an eager mind. Sir, I came to you willing to work my ass off to prove just how capable I am. And I am doing that. Grudgingly. Because you have killed all the joy that I had doing my job. You h Read Full Post

August 17, 2007

23:32
speed of sound
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

somehow, no matter what rock song I hear, it comes back to Chris Martin and russians. you have banished me to a siberian wasteland, and still I pine. I long. I compare you to those that truly loved me, and I start to think that I never wanted them to want me the way I want you to want me. knowing this, I should stay away from everything that reminds me of you. everything that reminds me of you...

everything reminds me of you. in some weirdly roundabout way my mind always latches onto the image of you. could I be sadder?

I am strong. I will not call you, text you, email you, or even ask to see you. I will not. I will laugh at those jokes you send me, even while my Read Full Post

August 02, 2007

2:10
correction
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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smellingthecoffee Read Full Post

0:59
eight maids milking or whatever
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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I'm stumped on eight things. I'm not sure whether I'm shy, defiant or empty.

eight years old.I'm not sure I remember who I was when I was eight. she must have been me.I don't know. was it P.2.K or P.2.S? I was in 1.W,but i don't remember P.2 very well. I think that's the year Miss Mpagi hit me so hard (my ears were ringing all afternoon) after I lifted my head to peek when i should have been pretending to nap like everyone else. That might be the year I missed the end of year party 'cause i forgot it was`on thursday, didn't come with my good dress and was too ashamed to party with the other tutted up girls in my red and whites. yup, that's the year my sisters deserted me and made me walk all the way home...alone. I crossed atleast four roads. I was so brave.

1998. I finished primary school in 1998. no, first I got a card that was meant for another girl, then I finished primary school. everyone else thought it was mine, but when I looked into that boy's Read Full Post

July 26, 2007

20:36
???
from » ‎ Els - In a Word

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have you ever thought something that is so preposterous that you cannot believe you thought it, but now that the thought is alive it's leading and you're following? how can I think this?! paranoia is so warped Read Full Post

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